Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
