Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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