My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
