Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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