I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'm really busy with my period
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