I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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