I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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