walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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