i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
