The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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