i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
