He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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