she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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