omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
