you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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