I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
