sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
