Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
