I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
