just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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