Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
why is half of my head shaved?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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