I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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