Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
