just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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