this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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