We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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