i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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