i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
