They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
