i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
