I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Even my vagina gasped.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
try to milk me bitch
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
