im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
