the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
if only i could text you this smell
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
