i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
