I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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