i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
now i know why i became what i already was.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
