I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
