So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
