He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
