Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
