I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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