you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
