just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
