even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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