Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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