I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
