You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Randomize
