Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
