I need help removing her.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
