Apparently you make a good broom.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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